The other day, Sherri gave me a really cool exercise to help
me learn boundaries. I stand and feel my body and the space around me. I feel
the muscles in my legs tense and relax as I bend my knees. I know it sounds
pretty simple but I really feel calmer after doing it.
I have noticed some changes over the past week. I have
wanted to connect with my friends and family more and I seem to be able to handle
the stress at work better. Also, I seem to remember where I put my keys and I
do not need to use my “To Do” list as much anymore. I am not sure if it has
anything to do with the SE sessions. I just can’t believe that working with
sensations in my body could have any impact, but I am starting to feel a little
better. In therapy, I am use to talking and talking and talking yet with Sherri,
we briefly touch upon the issues and she directs me back into my body and my
experience. Despite my doubts, I’ll keep going to see her. I feel supported by
her and even if orienting and tracking the sensations does absolutely nothing
for me, since it seems so simple, I like her. I feel like she is a positive
person in my life. Also, she reminds me of the perfect mother I always wanted.
I can call one of my friends and complain about my day, if I really want to, I
guess.
I just had a session with Sherri the other day and I had a
big stack of emotions come up surrounding falling off a horse when I was a
little girl. My body also made weird movements and completed something that
Sherri calls a self-protective response that didn’t get to happen with I fell
off the horse all those years ago. The more sessions that I go to with Sherri
the more I feel that SE is actually pretty awesome! Plus, I like the homework
of playing with my dog! I wish I had that homework in Grad School!
Uncovering the Beauty in Life through Trauma Resolution
I have noticed that during our sessions, stuff usually comes
up surrounding things that happened in my childhood. I start talking about
something that is bothering me in my life today and within 30 minutes; I am 3-8
years old again. Now, I don’t buy into pop psychology, but there is something
to this whole “childhood” thing. I know at one point Sherri talked about
patterns of the nervous system that start during childhood trauma and continue
into adulthood. Apparently, we are compelled to repeat traumatizing events so
that we can have an opportunity to resolve them. I wonder if this would explain
why I bump into things all the time? One day, I asked Sherri about this and she
said that it could possibly be attributed to a freeze response and that there could
be some disassociation going on. She reassured me that we are addressing those
issues, even if it may be indirectly at this time, through the SE sessions. She
also said that many people have various states of disassociation and not to
worry about it! She told me that I am doing just fine and that I am making
great progress!
This is how I felt when I walked into her office! Arrrgggg!?$%!
In one of my session with Sherri, I came in pretty upset at
one of my co-workers, and I just couldn’t seem to get over it. She had me
pretend that he was sitting right in front of me while I allowed myself to say
everything that I wanted to say to him. I even pounded my fists on the chair!
That’s a first time for me. Of course, she helped me remain present to the
sensations and emotions the whole time. I even started crying toward the end of
this exercise. I didn’t know that I was that upset. Also, this was the first
time in my life that I actually let myself say out loud everything that I
wanted to say to someone. It felt sooo good! Normally, I would feel ashamed,
scared, and guilty to do something like that, but with Sherri around, I felt
safe and like it was ok to talk about how I really feel. The next day, when
interacting with my co-worker I wasn’t bothered by him at all and he seemed to leave
me alone. He didn’t pick on me or give me a hard time like he usually does.
What a blessing! I'd say this is a bona fide miracle! Maybe there is something to this SE thing!
This is how I felt when I left her office! Oooo! Ahhhh!
This week is flying by! I am really proud of myself! I have
worked up to a whole 30 seconds of allowing myself to feel good sensations in
my body at least 5 times a day. Now, that’s progress! Also, with encouragement
from Sherri, I’ve decided that it is time to go on a “No-Beating-Myself-Up Diet.”
When I recognize that I am starting to put myself down, either in my head or
when I am talking to others, I will stop and focus my awareness to something
else that is pleasant in my surroundings or in my body. Sherri said it could be
a little experiment. I think it will be fun! I feel I have enough confidence to
try this little experiment now. Sherri is a great support to me, too!
I am starting to feel like I have more energy now and the 5
minute walk that I agreed to do on a daily basis has grown into a 30 minute
walk. I didn’t think I could do it, but here I am…doing it!
I still am having issues with depression, but at least I
feel my life is improving, little by little. My headaches have decreased in
frequency and some of my back pain has gone away, too. I am not sure if SE has
anything to do with this, but I am very grateful!
Since, part of my homework is to orient to pleasure, Sherri
sent me this great YouTube clip the other day on Gratitude! It has really
helped me feel the good sensations in my body! Warm fuzzies!
References: Schwartberg, Louie. "Gratitude." TedTalk. June 2011. Web. 27 February 2013.
