Second Session

 As I get ready to enter Sherri’s office I check my “To Do” list for the day because I know I am extremely forgetful and must write everything down. I mean everything. I even bump into walls and stationary objects as if they moved just as I was walking by so that I can run into them. How rude! I can never seem to remember where I put things either. Anyway, I look at my notes and realize that I absolutely must talk to Sherri about trauma. What does she mean by that? Does she think that I am traumatized by someone or something? Oh No! I hope there aren’t any deep dark secrets lurking in my psyche. The last thing I want to find out is that my father’s step brother molested me when I was 3 or something ridiculous like that. So, I walk into Sherri’s office and ask her about trauma. I explain to her how reading that word in her email seemed to really trigger something in me. I told her that I am not traumatized and that there is just something wrong with my brain!

The Body Can Heal Itself!

She smiles softly and listens intently as I explain this to her and she responds effortlessly. She tells me that trauma takes many different forms and that she did not mean to imply that I am a damaged and traumatized person. She says that she thinks I am doing great! She starts listing my accomplishments: MBA, home ownership, a beautiful dog, and really great friends that care about me. I start to blush and then she goes on to ask me if I would consider the following things traumatizing: sudden loud noises around a child or baby, fender benders, being left alone as a child, illness, falling off a bike, birth stress for the baby or mother, exposure to extreme heat or cold as a kid, witnessing someone being hit or robbed, listening or watching people have a screaming match as a child, or your mother or father promising to spend time with you but at the last minute going out with their friends and leaving you with a babysitter. I tell her that I do not consider any of those things to be traumatizing events and that I have experienced all of those things she listed, except I am not too sure about the birth stress. Although, I do remember my mother saying she was in labor for 23 hours before she decided to have a C-section. I guess that could be considered birth stress. I know that would stress me out! Ok, I told her I have experienced everything she listed. She tells me that all of those events can be considered trauma inducing events. I was in shock. I had no idea. 

Now that it’s sinking in bit, I do remember how some of those things were hard to deal with but “I am a big girl and big girls do not cry.” So, I just walked straight ahead, no matter what, with my head held high and did my best to forget about things that were upsetting to me. I guess, I did the best I could at the time. There is no sense in crying over spilled milk. 

Sherri begins to ask me how the homework went over the past week and I told her that I had a really hard time with allowing myself to feel the good sensations that would happen in my body. I would seem to shut down, or clamp down. She said it is perfectly normal and that with SE over time, I will feel more and more comfortable experiencing those pleasant sensations. She said to just practice a little every day, even if it is just for 10 seconds. She said that I could take baby steps with this. I felt so relieved because I didn’t think I was living up to her expectations of me. Good, I am glad that is out of the way and I can feel ok with taking things slow and not forcing myself to do anything. She tells me that SE is about being supportive of my body and the nervous system. It is not about forcing yourself do things that you aren’t ready to do. It is about self-care and listening to my body.

We start the session and I have a memory come up of my childhood cat disappearing when I was 7 years old, the night before a big move. I was so distraught that we were leaving our home to live with my grandparents. To top that, my cat was missing and I couldn’t stay and look for him. He was gone, forever, just like my childhood home would be the following day as we finished packing up our stuff. Needless to say, I never found my cat and I guess I feel like there has been a hole in my heart ever since then. It is interesting, I haven’t thought of this for at least a decade. I am shocked at how much emotion is involved with this! Sherri works with me and asks me to notice what I am feeling in my body. She also asks if there is a particular shape or color to the sensations, as well as, any feeling of heat. She asks me to consider what would be the opposite of those colors and shapes that I told her about and if there are any associated images that arise. I notice that an image of a red bucket arises and we just track the sensations of that. For some odd reason the red bucket seems to be rather soothing and I start rocking back and forth very slightly. 

Chloe-My Cute Dog

As the session draws to a close, I realize that I have the power to use my imagination to make me feel better concerning events that are upsetting. I am so excited to see how I can use this with memories that come up this week. For my SE homework, Sherri asks me to take a 10 minute walk every day and to make it a point to spend extra time playing with my dog this week. Of course, this is in addition to the 10 seconds that I allow myself to experience good sensations in my body. I tell her that I can do that but I might have to change the 10 minute walk to 5 minutes. I can probably commit to 5 not 10. We set the next appointment for a week out.  

References

Levine, Peter. Healing Trauma. Boulder: Sounds True, 2008. Print.