As I get ready to enter Sherri’s office I check my “To
Do” list for the day because I know I am extremely forgetful and must write
everything down. I mean everything. I even bump into walls and stationary
objects as if they moved just as I was walking by so that I can run into them. How
rude! I can never seem to remember where I put things either. Anyway, I look at
my notes and realize that I absolutely must talk to Sherri about trauma. What
does she mean by that? Does she think that I am traumatized by someone or
something? Oh No! I hope there aren’t any deep dark secrets lurking in my
psyche. The last thing I want to find out is that my father’s step brother
molested me when I was 3 or something ridiculous like that. So, I walk into
Sherri’s office and ask her about trauma. I explain to her how reading that
word in her email seemed to really trigger something in me. I told her that I
am not traumatized and that there is just something wrong with my brain!
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The Body Can Heal Itself! |
She smiles softly and listens intently as I explain this to
her and she responds effortlessly. She tells me that trauma takes many
different forms and that she did not mean to imply that I am a damaged and
traumatized person. She says that she thinks I am doing great! She starts
listing my accomplishments: MBA, home ownership, a beautiful dog, and really
great friends that care about me. I start to blush and then she goes on to ask
me if I would consider the following things traumatizing: sudden loud noises
around a child or baby, fender benders, being left alone as a child, illness,
falling off a bike, birth stress for the baby or mother, exposure to extreme
heat or cold as a kid, witnessing someone being hit or robbed, listening or
watching people have a screaming match as a child, or your mother or father
promising to spend time with you but at the last minute going out with their
friends and leaving you with a babysitter. I tell her that I do not consider
any of those things to be traumatizing events and that I have experienced all
of those things she listed, except I am not too sure about the birth stress.
Although, I do remember my mother saying she was in labor for 23 hours before
she decided to have a C-section. I guess that could be considered birth stress.
I know that would stress me out! Ok, I told her I have experienced everything
she listed. She tells me that all of those events can be considered trauma
inducing events. I was in shock. I had no idea.
Now that it’s sinking in bit, I do remember how some of
those things were hard to deal with but “I am a big girl and big girls do not
cry.” So, I just walked straight ahead, no matter what, with my head held high
and did my best to forget about things that were upsetting to me. I guess, I
did the best I could at the time. There is no sense in crying over spilled milk.
Sherri begins to ask me how the homework went over the past
week and I told her that I had a really hard time with allowing myself to feel
the good sensations that would happen in my body. I would seem to shut down, or
clamp down. She said it is perfectly normal and that with SE over time, I will
feel more and more comfortable experiencing those pleasant sensations. She said
to just practice a little every day, even if it is just for 10 seconds. She
said that I could take baby steps with this. I felt so relieved because I didn’t
think I was living up to her expectations of me. Good, I am glad that is out of
the way and I can feel ok with taking things slow and not forcing myself to do
anything. She tells me that SE is about being supportive of my body and the
nervous system. It is not about forcing yourself do things that you aren’t ready
to do. It is about self-care and listening to my body.
We start the session and I have a memory come up of my
childhood cat disappearing when I was 7 years old, the night before a big move.
I was so distraught that we were leaving our home to live with my grandparents.
To top that, my cat was missing and I couldn’t stay and look for him. He was
gone, forever, just like my childhood home would be the following day as we
finished packing up our stuff. Needless to say, I never found my cat and I
guess I feel like there has been a hole in my heart ever since then. It is
interesting, I haven’t thought of this for at least a decade. I am shocked at
how much emotion is involved with this! Sherri works with me and asks me to
notice what I am feeling in my body. She also asks if there is a particular
shape or color to the sensations, as well as, any feeling of heat. She asks me to
consider what would be the opposite of those colors and shapes that I told her
about and if there are any associated images that arise. I notice that an image
of a red bucket arises and we just track the sensations of that. For some odd
reason the red bucket seems to be rather soothing and I start rocking back and
forth very slightly.
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Chloe-My Cute Dog |
As the session draws to a close, I realize that I have the
power to use my imagination to make me feel better concerning events that are
upsetting. I am so excited to see how I can use this with memories that come up
this week. For my SE homework, Sherri asks me to take a 10 minute walk every
day and to make it a point to spend extra time playing with my dog this week.
Of course, this is in addition to the 10 seconds that I allow myself to
experience good sensations in my body. I tell her that I can do that but I
might have to change the 10 minute walk to 5 minutes. I can probably commit to
5 not 10. We set the next appointment for a week out.
References
Levine, Peter.
Healing Trauma. Boulder: Sounds True,
2008. Print.